FIGHTING

FEAR

                Why is fighting on the rise for both boys and girls these days? In fact, why are so many child behavior problems increasing? It's not only fighting; many kids also have a much harder time showing respect for authority, following parental structure, responding to simple directions and completing tasks. It seems like on all levels of measurable behavior, kids are falling further and further behind.

In my experience, all of these behaviors are part of the same larger issue. For one reason or another, many children are not learning the problem-solving skills they need in order to avoid getting into a physical fight. As a result, they develop ineffective coping skills.

                                                                             

                  If your child uses fighting as a coping skill, you may naturally feel frustrated and unsure about how to handle this issue. Often, parents panic when they start to wake up to the fact that things are getting worse with their child’s behavior. They react by using the same tools they used in the past, only they use them harder or louder or more punitively. The problem is that if your child isn't responding to your parenting methods in the first place, doing it louder or stronger probably isn’t going to change that. In my opinion, it's not that parents need to use their skills more intensely—it's that they need to develop more intense skills.

     The Three Types of Fighting
When we think of fighting, we think typically of two people getting angry at each other and coming to physical blows. But certainly, kids fight in many ways and for different reasons.

1.    Oppositional and Defiant Fighting: One form of fighting is being oppositional and defiant toward everything. These are kids who fight and don't even know why. And the more we try to explore the “why” with them, the more they act defiantly. These are the kids to whom parents are most prone to unwittingly teach excuses.

2.    Verbal Abuse and Temper Tantrums: Kids often fight by being verbally abusive; that’s how they strike out at you. The goal when you intervene with kids who are being verbally abusive is to teach them how to do things differently next time—the same as if they were fighting or hitting.

3.    Angry and Antagonistic Behavior: Sometimes kids get angry or antagonized by another child and hit them. Or two or more kids will have an argument that escalates until they come to blows. Some children are easily antagonized, and will often use a fist in place of other coping skills.