SHYNESS

                                                SHYNESS

Identify the nature of your child's shyness. Children are shy in different ways for different reasons. Understanding the nature of your child's shyness will help you develop a program geared towards your child's specific needs. Is your child shy in groups? At parties? Meeting new people? In novel situations? Or, pretty much everywhere? Does your child have trouble eating in public? Playing with other children? Making phone calls? Or, is your child only shy when s/he has to make a presentation in front of the class at school? Knowing the nature of you child's shyness will help you identify the specific skills your child needs to be more at ease in social situations.
Sometimes, though, children struggle with more than shyness. There are a number of conditions that masquerade as, or can lead to, shyness---many of which require professional attention. Some children struggle with non--verbal learning disabilities or Asperger's Syndrome which interfere with their ability to read social cues and understand how to enter and exit play or answer questions at an appropriate level), other children struggle with extreme anxiety,while still others have difficulty establishing emotional bonds with other people. The good news is that most of these conditions benefit from supportive structured environments that emphasize the development of social skills,strategies for managing anxiety, impulses and the ability to both read and relate to other people on an emotional level. The specific nature of the social skills and treatment strategies, however, is likely to vary with your child's needs. When in doubt seek professional help from someone who has a track record of experience in this area.
      Role model confident social behavior:  Children learn by watching the people around them. Parents that means you! With time, your ability to approach others and put them at ease can help to put your child at ease, too.     
 Do . . . 
         Go first in social situations. Be the first person to say "Hi," to introduce yourself or to strike up conversations.
         Make a list of the kinds of things you would like your child to feel comfortable doing (e.g., talking with other children, asking for help from store clerks, making phone calls, etc) and make a point of doing these things in front of your child.
         Be friendly. Routinely smile, say high and greet the people you see as you go through your day.
Compliment others often. Notice what you like about people (friends, family and strangers alike). Tell a stranger you like their hat or a friend how wonderful their dinner was.
         Make an effort to help other people when you see they are in need. Open doors for people, pick things up when people drop them or offer to carry things for friends.  
         Role model taking risks and learning from them. Help your children learn by making positive comments about how you felt while you did things. Things like: "I thought that would be harder than it was." "That wasn't much fun, but I'm glad I did it and got it out of the way. At least now I don't have to worry about it." Or, "That didn't go as well as I thought it would, but at least I know what to do next time."
          Enroll in social skills classes and let your children know that you're going. Bring back the things you learn from class and share them with your family and friends.I routinely encourage parents (shy or not) who take my social skills classes to practice their new found handshake, conversation and introduction skills with their children,friends and family.Don't be surprised if your new skills make great party conversation, too.     Most people struggle with social skills and are eager learn what you know so they can try it out themselves. Show your children that learning new skills from a class is a good thing.

 Don't . . .
         Cross the street to avoid people you are too nervous to see.
        Embarrass your child in public.
        Criticize people in public.
        Berate yourself for having failed when you try things and they don't turn out the way you would like.
        Berate your children when they make a mistake.
        But what if you're shy yourself? And there's a good chance you are--an almost 50/50 chance. Given that nearly 50% of adults in the United States are believed to be shy, it stands to reason that nearly 50% of children have at least one shy parent and somewhere in the neighborhood of 25% of children have two shy parents. It's hard to role model socially confident behavior for your children when you're struggling with shyness yourself. All you can do is your best.
        Start by modeling little things for your children like opening doors for other people when you go to the store or into restaurants.
        Take advantage of opportunities to practice being assertive in front of your children by asking how much longer it will be before you're seated at restaurants or asking sales clerks how an appliance works.
         Make an extra effort to practice social skills with your children at home.There's a good chance that teaching handshakes, introductions and conversation skills to your children will enhance your skills as well.

Fortunately, role modeling social skills for your children--even if they're in the privacy of your own home-- can help your child improve his/her social skills and is likely to improve yours, as well.